It’s been a week since Paris attacks. I’m still scared.
Hearing about the war in faraway Syria or Afghanistan – countries I’ve never been to and which are culturally distant from mine is one thing, but learning about the terrorist attacks just across the border, in a beautiful city which I visited many times is another.
I’m happy to have already visited Paris. I’m not sure if I will go there again. I’m scared.
I’m scared not only of Paris, but also other places. Over the weekend I’ve been thinking about potential dangerous spots. In my head I was trough the list of countries, cities and districts which would be safe to live.
I’ve realised that such places do not exists.
I live in Barcelona, a city full of tourists. There is a metro system, shopping centres and plazas always full of people. I use the public transport few times a day, including the rush hour. Up till now I’d been observing the passengers, trying to spot a pickpocket. Now I’m looking at the luggage, their faces. And at the same time I’m happy I’m not in London anymore.
My second half boards the plane twice a week. Before last Friday we would get stressed about him missing the plane. Now we’re stressed about something else.
He left yesterday morning. After a couple of hours I received a text saying that the plane had landed, but they are still waiting to get out because… one of the crew members is going to be picked up by the police.
Nothing happened. But in a few days he’s flying again…
Paris attacks aimed at threatening ordinary people, like you and me. People who love life, who like to go out to a restaurant and meet their friends, go to a concert. They wanted us to feel the fear of war, just like people in Syria do every day. Do you think they’ve succeeded?
Being far away from my family doesn’t help. As I’m falling asleep, I’m thinking about my family and friends, who live away. I miss them.
I’m thinking where would we move when it’s necessary. I’m thinking about Poland. Perhaps the best thing would be to go back to my home country, which at the moment seems to me the safest in Europe? Move somewhere to the countryside…
Then I go to the balcony. I put my face to the sun and I forget about everything.
Today I baked a cake. It smelled like home. I bought new herbs to put on the balcony. I mounted the frames on my walls. I called my friend and met with a friend of mine at a new cafe. I haven’t used social media for a few days. I wend cycling.
I’m trying to tame my fear. Life goes on.
How do you tame yours?